Appendix ASample Questions for Each Section of the Relationship Quality InterviewPart 1. Trust, Closeness, and Emotional Intimacy

I’d like to get a sense of the level of closeness and trust you have in your relationship. I’d like to try to focus on the past 6 months or so of your relationship, so since about________.

E1. Emotional Closeness

How close do you feel to ______? (overall sense of closeness, sense of warmth, affection, talking/listening, emotionally connected)

• What about times when you don’t feel close to your partner?

E2. Trust

To what extent do you feel you can trust ____?

(Specifically emotional trust; trust s/he won’t lie, betray, abandon, or hurt her/him; how much does s/he trust him/her to help maintain the intimate bond of the relationship?).

• What about the times when you don’t feel like you can trust your partner? (e.g., are there limits to what they can trust him/her with, do they not like to trust or count on anyone?)

E3. (Fun and) Friendship

How good of a friend would you say that ____ is to you? (Feels that partner is his/her best friend, has fun with partner, likes to spend free time with partner)

• What about times when s/he is not a good friend?

E4. Self-Disclosure/Emotional Vulnerability

How often do you confide in____, or disclose personal or important things to him/her? For example, how comfortable are you talking to ____ about your most private feelings or thoughts? (Disclosure of emotional, difficult-to-share information that isn’t typically talked about in other relationships, e.g., sadness, fear, shame, guilt, disappointment.)

• How comfortable do you feel discussing important issues in your relationship?

• What about times when you don’t feel comfortable confiding in your partner? Can you tell me about that? (e.g., wishes they could disclose more, feel more comfortable, do they dislike the way partner responds, do they feel uncomfortable confiding to anyone?)

E5. Partner Response

How does ____ typically respond when you (try to) disclose personal or important things to _____? (Trying get a sense of what it’s like for the participant to disclose. Does the partner encourage disclosure? What specific behaviors are typical of the partner in response to disclosure? Is it an emotionally safe environment for disclosure? Consider the long-term and short-term effect (learning) of the partner’s response. Is the disclosure punished or reinforced overall?)

E6. Avoiding Topics

How often do you avoid talking about specific topics with ____?

• Why do you avoid those topics? (We are trying to get at topics they avoid because it feels too emotionally vulnerable or too intimate to bring them up, not topics they avoid because they always lead to arguments)

• What topics do you avoid?

E7. Partner Confide/Self-Disclose

How much do you feel ____ confides in you, or discloses personal or important things to you? For example, their most private feelings and thoughts?

E8. Verbal & Physical Expressions of Love/Affection

How often doesshow love or affection towards you? (Trying to get a sense of quantity as well as quality of love/affection expressed by partner. Get verbal expressions of love, physical expressions of love.)

• Is there anything that you don’t like about his/her expression of love or affection? For example, the way they expresses love or affection or how often? (e.g., do they wish partner would show more or less? Do they dislike the way partner shows love? Get examples of sources of dissatisfaction.)

Part 2. Partner Support

The next area I’d like to ask you about is ____’s ability to support you when you have had a bad day, are feeling down, or have a problem, in the last 6 months or so. In general, how well does ____ support you in situations such as these?

Now I’m going to ask about a number of different types of support that may or may not apply to your relationship. (Get answers for each type of support. You’re trying to separate out the type of support partner offers and type of support participant wants.)

P1. Emotional Support

First, to what extent does _____ provide emotional support, like talking and listening to you, holding your hand, hugging you, letting you know they understand you, things like that when you have had a bad day, are feeling down, or have a problem?

• Is there anything you don’t like about how ____ provides emotional support? (e.g., not providing enough support, providing a type of support that isn’t wanted)

P2. Tangible Support

What about tangible support, such as taking care of things for you or helping you directly or indirectly? Does _____ do this when you have had a bad day or are feeling down? (Helping directly means helping to solve the problem or make the situation better him/herself. Helping indirectly means providing time or resources so that their partner is better able to solve the problem him/herself, e.g., providing childcare so partner can work on the problem.)

• So, for example, if you have a problem with your (car, landlord, etc.) would they try to take care of it for you, or would they cover for you so that you had time to deal with the problem yourself?

• Is there anything you don’t like about how they provides this type of support?

P3. Informational Support

How often does s/he gives you advice, provides you with information you need, helps you think about a problem in a new way, or things like that?

• Is there anything you don’t like about how ____ provides this kind of support or something you’d like to change about it? (e.g., not providing enough support, providing a type of support that isn’t wanted)

P4. Esteem Support

What about expressing confidence in your ability to handle things, telling you you’re not at fault for a problem, things like that?

• Is there anything you don’t like about how ____ provides this kind of support? (e.g., not providing enough support, providing a type of support that isn’t wanted)

P5. Network Support

What about offering to spend extra time with you when you’ve had a bad day? For example, offering to just be in the room with you when you are upset.

• What about encouraging you to talk to friends and family?

• What about the opposite: giving you space or leaving you alone when you’re upset (because they want you to, not to avoid them)?

• Is there anything you don’t like about how him/her provides this kind of support? (e.g., not providing enough support, providing a type of support that isn’t wanted)

Support in General

Thinking back over these different types of support, which type of support is most important to you? (We want to determine what type of support is most commonly reported as a preferred type of support once s/he has been primed to consider all types of possible support.)

• In other words, how would you like to be supported in an ideal world?

I’m wondering if there are ways that ___ could support you that you would prefer? (We want to get a spontaneous response about what is type of support is most in need of changing. The participant may suggest changes in each area as they goes through the interview, but now we want to know whether there is one area that is particularly important (e.g., I just want him to convey that he believes in me).

• For example, providing more or less of a certain type of support?

• What, if anything, would you like to change about how ____ supports you?

Part 3. Sexuality/Sensuality

Now I’d like to ask you about your sex life. How has that been going for the past 6 months or so?

S3. Sensuality

How often do the two of you engage in sensual behaviors together, such as touching, cuddling, kissing, or massage?

What about engaging in these types of behaviors at times when it does not lead to sex? (Couples should touch each other and be physically affectionate without it always meaning “I want sex”) (Get examples).

• And then what about after sex: Do the two of you typically engage in these same kinds of behaviors after having sex? (It is not considered ideal for no physical contact to occur after sex)

S1. Frequency, Initiation, & Mutuality

And about how often do the two of you have sex?

• Would you prefer that it be more or less frequent?

• Who usually initiates having sex?

• What happens when one of you is in the mood and the other isn’t?

S2. Sexual Satisfaction

When you have sex, how satisfied are you? (Try to get at quality/satisfaction here, not frequency)

• When you’re having sex, do you each typically have an orgasm? (If the woman says no, ask follow-up questions)

o Do you typically have an orgasm?

o Do you have orgasms at other times (when you’re alone, with other partners)?

o Are you satisfied with your sex life with____?

• During or after sex, do you feel any negative emotions? (If partner doesn’t spontaneously offer an answer, say…) For example, do you ever feel any fear, shame, guilt, or disgust?

• Do you have any concerns about your sex life or is there anything you would like to change? (If yes, specify: _____________)

S4. Sexual Difficulties/Diagnosable Sexual Dysfunctions

Are you experiencing any sexual difficulties?

• (Ask female-identifying participants) Any problems such as excessive dryness, pain, or difficulties achieving orgasm?

• (Ask male-identifying participants) Any problems such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or difficulties achieving orgasm?

What about _____? Are they experiencing any sexual difficulties? (If yes) How does this affect your sex life?

S5. Sexual Communication

Next, I’m wondering how comfortable the two of you are talking about sex.

• How comfortable are you talking about your sex life with _____ outside of the bedroom? (Includes bringing up the topic of conversation and responding when the other person brings it up)

• How comfortable is ____ talking with you about your sex life? (Includes bringing up the topic of conversation and responding when the other person brings it up)

• During sex, how comfortable are you letting ________ know what you want? (For example, when you’re in the moment, are you comfortable ask him/her to do something different?)

• (If you don’t know the answer already) Are there times when you are not comfortable talking about sex?

Part 6. Respect and Control

R1. Respect

How much does ____ respect you? (You are trying to get at whether the partner treats the participant like they’re a competent and independent person, based on your perspective.)

• For example, is _____ respectful of who you are as a person?

• Of your abilities or inabilities?

• Of the decisions that you make?

• Does ____ treat you as if you were a child rather than as an equal partner in the relationship?

• (If not already answered) How about times when they are less respectful than you’d like them to be?

• Do you feel as if there are a lot of things about you that ____ would like to change?

R2. Acceptance

How about acceptance? Is _____ accepting of the kind of person you are and the things you do? (You are trying to get at whether the partner accepts the participant for who they are as a person, the kinds of things they like to do.)

• For example, is ____ accepting of your hobbies and interests?

• Your career?

• The things you’re passionate about?

• For example, is ____ accepting of your hobbies and interests?

• Your career.

• The things you’re passionate about?

• Does ____ belittle you and make spiteful comments about these things?

• (If not already answered) How about times when they are less accepting of you than you’d like them to be?

• Another example: they address your career as “little activities”.

R3. Respect when Disagree

How about when the two of you disagree? Does ____ still show respect and acceptance for you? (When the two of you disagree on something, does the partner belittle the participant’s opinion or allow the participant to have a different opinion, even if it’s different.)

• (If not already answered) How do they do that?

• For example, during an argument, are they respectful and accepting of your opinions and your side of the argument, or do they belittle you for your opinions?

R4. Decision Making

How about decision-making? About how much do each of you weigh in on decisions? (For example, 50/50? 60/40? Does it depend on the topic? Get details)

• What decisions do each of you tend to make?

R5. Satisfaction with Decision-Making

How satisfied are you with that? Are you comfortable with the amount of decision-making done by each of you?

What are some of the areas in which decision-making becomes an issue? (Areas in the relationship or in their day- to-day life – don’t code; just get answer.)

Control

R6: To what extent does one of you have more control in the relationship? In other words, does one of you have limited freedom to spend time with friends and family or pursue personal goals because doing so will upset the other person?

I’d like to go over some specific areas that may or not apply to your relationship….

R6A: Does your partner engage in checking behaviors: looking through your cell phone to see who you have called, checking your email, texts, social media, checking your phone GPS to see where you’ve been, etc.?

R7: How much freedom do you have to go where you want, schedule your own day, and engage in activities without?

• To what extent does ____ limit your freedom to do the things you really want to do?

R8: How much freedom do you have to pursue the type of job, career or education you want?

• To what extent does ____ limit your freedom to pursue your career or educational goals?

R9: What about issues around who controls the money?

• To what extent does ____ limit your freedom to spend money when there is something that you would like to purchase?

R10: How much freedom do you have to spend time with your family?

• To what extent does ____ limit your freedom to be with your family?

R11: How about with platonic friends? (friends who the participant would not be sexually attracted to)

• To what extent does ____ limit your freedom to be with your friends?

R12: What about with friends where there is the possibility of sexual attraction? (friends who match the gender(s) the person is sexually attracted to)

• To what extent does ____ limit your freedom to be with your [male/female] friends?

• (If the person says I have no friends of the opposite sex) Would it be okay with ____ if you did?

Part 5. Communication and Conflict

C1. Arguments

Now I’d like to talk a little bit about your arguments over the last 6 months or so. For example….

• About how often do you and ____ argue? (Ask about mild and major arguments.)

The rest of these questions are about major arguments/fights/conflicts:

• What kinds of things do you typically argue about?

• About how long do your arguments usually last? (Referring to actively arguing)

• How do the two of you typically feel or behave during your arguments?

• How do your arguments usually end?

• When the two of you have argued in the last 6 months or so, have either of you said things that might be hurtful, called each other names, put the other person down, things like that (psych aggression)? (If yes, find out who did it and get an example or two.)

• What about destroying the other person’s property, throwing something across the room, things like that (threats of physical aggression)? (If yes, find out who did it and get an example or two)

• What about throwing things at, or pushing the other person, grabbing the other person’s arm, things like that (physical aggression)? (If yes, find out who did it and get an example or two)

C2. Conflict Resolution/Recovery

Let’s talk about what happens after the 2 of you have had an argument, particularly if it’s been a heated argument. How do the two of you get over a heated argument as a couple? What do you do to try to get back to normal? (You are trying to get examples of what either or/both partners do so that the couple recovers. An example such as, “I go for a run to calm down & then I’m over it” is more about how the individual recovers, not the marriage.)

• For example, does one of you apologize for fighting in general?

• Do you apologize for specific things that were said or done?

• Does one of you buy flowers or a gift or do something particularly sweet for the other?

• Do you pretend it never happened?

• Do you take time to calm down and then discuss the issue again calmly?

• Do you typically have sex after?

• Does one of you give in?

• Do the things work?

• Do they help you to get back on track as a couple or maybe they help you to feel even closer than you did before the argument? (Are they really helpful for feeling closer as a couple, according to the partner? If the partner says they help get past the fight in a superficial way but don’t really foster greater intimacy, you would think about these efforts as not effective.)

• Does one of you work to resolve things more than the other? (If yes) Which one? (Get specifics)

• How long does it usually take to get back to normal? (How long does the tension last?)